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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25166581">Stages of falling in love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shattering_petals/pseuds/shattering_petals'>shattering_petals</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>ATEEZ (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Boys In Love, Confessions, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Kinda, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, No Smut, Not Beta Read, Pining, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, sorry - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:29:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,890</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25166581</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shattering_petals/pseuds/shattering_petals</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I. butterflies - falling for someone new<br/>II. building - trying to get to know everything about them<br/>III. assimilation - wondering how they would fit in your life<br/>IV. honesty - being your vulnerable self<br/>V. stability - being comfortable and bonding</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>68</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Stages of falling in love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Welp, this was painful to write. I did not mean to be this angsty not sure what went wrong lol. Told yall my next victim would be ATEEZ.<br/>Disclaimer: Characters do not represent the idols or relationships within the group. They are simply characters with the same name and looks.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I. Butterflies</em>
</p><p>Hongjoong always had a suspicion that he is wired differently when it comes to love. He liked girls, don’t get him wrong, but once in a while a boy would make his way into his mind. Two guys in a relationship never disgusted him, it even warmed his heart.</p><p>He always thought it’s only because he’s open minded. He’s comfortable with who he is and that he just lacks toxic masculinity but a tiny voice at the back of his mind constantly whispered it might be more complex, deeper than that.</p><p>He had crushes but by the time his friends were dating, he already had dreams he wanted to achieve and love was the last thing on his mind. He barely had time to go to school, let alone date.</p><p>Hongjoong trained and worked alone for a while, until some guys joined him. Both quite tall and good looking, Yunho and Seonghwa. Hongjoong would lie if he said he wasn’t jealous. After all it’s two things he thinks he doesn’t have and hopes his hard work and performance will make up for that.  </p><p>They danced from afternoon to midnight and Hongjoong sometimes couldn’t help a glance. Seonghwa sat next to Hongjoong during their break handing him a bottle of water. Hongjoong mumbles a tired thanks. Seonghwa stretches out his legs, back against the wall. Strands of black hair are wet and stuck to his forehead, his chest rises and falls with each heavy breath they all lost because of the intensity of their choreography. Seonghwa closes his eyes and drinks from his own bottle and Hongjoong has hard time looking away.</p><p>Seonghwa is pretty, that’s a universal fact. Hongjoong is kind of irritated he looks this good without any effort whatsoever.</p><p> </p><p>Five other guys joined the team and started pre-debut promotions under the name KQ Fellaz. Hongjoong can’t say he’s thrilled with the name, but he’s finally about to debut and that’s all that matters to him.</p><p>Even from those short dance videos, Hongjoong can tell Seonghwa has undeniable stage presence. Expressions, strength, energy… Seonghwa has all of them. He is born to perform and Hongjoong is happy he gets to share the stage with him.</p><p> </p><p>Time to shoot their debut MVs has come. Hongjoong feels ecstatic as well as stressed. He was declared the leader, he has responsibility and expectations to meet. Last few months were all about perfection. Suddenly, the songs he made didn’t sound as good as they did before. He felt constant need to redo, to improve. The beat is too fast, melody is off, it’s too loud, the lyrics are lame. That was all he could think about. He spent all of his free time and even sacrificed his sleep in that dark studio.</p><p>Seonghwa could feel the stress as well and made sure Hongjoong didn’t turn into a zombie when they didn’t perform even once. He made it his responsibility to keep their leader alive, even if it meant dragging him to bed by his ears.</p><p> </p><p>Hongjoong almost couldn’t recognize himself after stylists were done with him. Suddenly he felt pride swell up in his chest, he was satisfied with how he looked. This pride was beaten down a little when he saw Yeosang and Mingi. Those little rascals glowed up as well.</p><p>But nothing could prepare him for Seonghwa. His outfit for Treasure looked like it’s made solely to show off Seonghwa’s lean body. He had his dark hair styled in a way that made Hongjoong tense. Seonghwa thanked the staff and smiled widely, and butterfly wings tickled Honjoong’s rib cage.</p><p>Then again, Hongjoong would expect nothing less from Park Seonghwa. Hongjoong still didn’t feel good about what is this doing to him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>II. Building</em>
</p><p>They are not exactly the most successful but Hongjoong is still proud of every member. He knows fame won’t come knocking at your door instantly unless you’re from the Big Three companies and they have long journey ahead of them, worrying about such things is meaningless.</p><p>There are times, however, when Hongjoong’s insecurities from his trainee days return. On his down days, he feels like he failed his members in a way. He can do more, can be better, work harder, produce better songs.</p><p>Seonghwa is always there to remind him he’s doing more than enough and picks him up from those dark days. Hongjoong will be forever grateful for that. Hongjoong may be the leader, but Seonghwa is probably the true glue that prevents this team‘s breaking.</p><p>Getting to know each other to unnecessary or even unwanted details is inevitable with 8 men living under one roof and being together basically 24/7. But perhaps that is the price you pay for a strong friendship and trust his team has. Honesty is important in every relationship, platonic or not, and keeping secrets form your loved ones brings nothing but trouble.</p><p>He makes effort to listen and understand his younger brothers. It’s different with the oldest. Hongjoong doesn’t just want to, he feels a need to know him better. He wants to discover everything, from trivial things like favourite color or food to his deepest desires and thoughts. But most importantly, he wants to find a secret. Something only he knows, part of Seonghwa’s that is entirely Hongjoong’s.</p><p>That’s not something Hongjoong is entitled to, he is fully aware. Lately there’s more and more stuff Seonghwa makes him feel and do that Hongjoong would never even think of.</p><p>Ever since that day Hongjoong saw him all stylish and handsome, Seonghwa messed with his head. The thoughts of him appeared randomly and with each passing day a new one occured. Slowly, Seonghwa demanded attention from his brain to the point where Seonghwa is the only thing Hongjoong thinks about.</p><p>The quiet voice from his teenage years grew louder and Hongjoong knows.</p><p>This isn’t admiration. This isn’t him being comfortable in his own skin. He’s not open-minded.</p><p>He’s in love with Park Seonghwa.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>III. Assimilation</em>
</p><p>It’s not unusual to fantasize about your crush. Most do it, getting lost in dreams and what ifs. Hongjoong is not above that. True, it’s weird to dream about one of your closest friends like that but then again, Seonghwa is not just a friend to Hongjoong. He’s his one constant, his support, someone he can wholeheartedly trust and a man he hopelessly loves.</p><p>It took awhile but Hongjoong ultimately accepted his sexuality as well as his defeat and unrequited feelings. Of all men walking on this Earth, he had to fall for him.</p><p>He has no choice but to move on, a task that proved itself to be very difficult. How can you get rid of it when you are with him all the time? Seonghwa also seems to be more affectionate towards Hongjoong, that makes it even worse. He just hopes it would be gone with time.</p><p>But that increased affection, how Seonghwa smiles all the time, how he laughs louder at the joke Hongjoong makes, how he is even more adamant on taking care of Hongjoong than before… It makes Hongjoong wonder.</p><p>Let’s say they’re not idols and Seonghwa likes him back. What would their relationship be like? Are they compatible? Would they fight a lot? Would it be sweet and innocent or passionate and intimate?</p><p>They do have a lot in common and they are reasonable adults, surely they could work out their differences no matter how nasty or heated things get. Fans and the rest of Ateez already declared them mom and dad. Hongjoong would never admit it publicly but the fact he is the „dad“ makes him happier than it should.</p><p>What about moving in after a few years? Seonghwa would insist on cleaning, without a doubt. Hongjoong could cook and maybe take care of the laundry. What does a domestic life look like? Maybe some cuddling, pet names, staying in doing nothing productive instead of dates.</p><p>Well on the topic of pet names, Hongjoong doesn’t think Seonghwa is a one to call his significant other anything overly sweet. Hongjoong chuckles at the thought of Seonghwa calling him sweetheart or cupcake. Babe or baby is probably his limit. Hongjoong doesn’t mind being cheesy though - dear, love or a lame pun with his actual name sounds cute, no?</p><p>Staring at the ceiling, lying in bed at night and dreaming like this is one of Hongjoong’s guilty pleasures. Maybe it could even be a coping mechanism, trying to distract himself how painfully unrequited this love is.</p><p>There are places in Hongjoong’s imagination where he doesn’t dare to venture. Maybe it’s just a matter of time and soon enough he’ll start imagining Seonghwa’s lips on his, hands exploring places normally covered by clothes and falling apart under Seonghwa’s touch.</p><p>Soon enough but definitely not now. He wants to keep his dignity as long as possible and break only after he’s far too gone.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>IV. Honesty</em>
</p><p>Honesty and respect are crucial in every relationship you can have. Be it family, friends, significant other or colleagues. Staying true to yourself is just as important but easily said than done.</p><p>Hongjoong is a people pleaser. It’s one his most prominent personality traits and exactly that can stop said self-love. He wants to be better and improve for everyone else, not for himself. He tries to be seen as the strong, charismatic and sometimes dorky leader instead of the flawed insecure human being he is. Hongjoong upholds a certain image and tends to forget himself in the process.</p><p>But he never forsakes himself entirely, thanks to his little guardian angel Seonghwa. Seonghwa reminds him who Hongjoong is and not to lose that. He tells him it’s okay to be sad, frustrated or vulnerable. Hongjoong can be the short man full of doubts, fears and concerns around Seonghwa and Seonghwa takes him for just that. No less, no more. Just as the Kim Hongjoong he’s known before the public knew their faces.</p><p>However, not even Seonghwa can prevent spiraling and eventual crisis.</p><p>He was sitting alone in his studio, working on music. When he could feel his brain giving up, he decided to take a break by browsing the internet. He ended up on news outlet and it went down hill from there.</p><p>They just had their first win and he couldn’t help but smile reading the article. Comment section wasn’t as nice.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Who are they even? no way they won without insider help</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What the hell? Are people deaf or something, the song is not even that good. Other groups deserved the win</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Really can’t understand how they won. My oppas are much more talented and handsome</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Who are they? Literal</em>
  <em>l</em>
  <em>y never heard of them</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>He knew most of their fandom is international and honestly it didn’t bother him. He loved and appreciated every single atiny on Earth. Those netizens got him thinking though. So he went to other sites and read and read and spiraled.</p><p>Is this all true? Did they not deserve to win? Was Hongjoong’s song that bad and they won only because of pity?</p><p>He failed. He disappointed everyone. Ateez, fans, KQ, everyone he possibly could. Hongjoong got to comfortable, he should’ve listen to his intuition and work a little more. He can always take a nap during the day, he had to work now. Just a little more time would make everyone happier.</p><p>He always thought he doesn’t deserve the praise and love he gets and this just proves how unworthy he is. Now he just feels downright terrible. He knows he lacks a lot. He’s not good at singing like Jongho, not good at rapping like Mingi, not good at dancing like Yunho, not handsome like Yeosang. The list of things he should be but isn’t goes on and on.</p><p>„Hongjoong?“</p><p>Hongjoong is too shaken to pretend to be okay. He sits silently, eyes still glued to the malicious comments.</p><p>„Are you alright?“ Seonghwa says and kneels next to him. Hongjoong still doesn’t answer so he turns to whatever Hongjoong is staring at. Seonghwa feels angry and turns of the monitor probably with too much strength. He turns the chair, forcing Hongjoong to face him and hugs him tightly.</p><p>They’ve hugged before many times but never quite like this. This one feels different. Secure, warm, safe, loving even. Hongjoong hugs him back, closing his eyes and hiding his face in Seonghwa’s neck.</p><p>„It’s alright. It’s okay.“ Seonghwa says as he rubs his back. Hongjoong grabs fistful of Seonghwa’s hoodie as his whole body shakes with sobs.</p><p>„You can’t listen to them. They‘re hurt, angry and they take it out on us. Happy people don’t have the need to bring others down or spread hate. It doesn’t have anything to do with who you actually are.“</p><p>Seonghwa pulls away and cups Hongjoong’s face.</p><p>„You’re amazing. You’re incredible. The best man I’ve ever met.“ He wipes a warm tear away with his thumb. „You’re beautiful.“</p><p>If it were anyone else, Hongjoong would not believe a single a word they said. The one on his knees in front of him is Seonghwa and the genuine gaze coming from those perfect brown eyes convince him. Seonghwa would never lie to him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>V. Stability</em>
</p><p>Their relationship somehow wandered to impossible-to-define lands of labels. They are more than best friends but not quite lovers. Best friends don’t look at each other the way they do, don’t stay glued to each other’s side, don’t get jealous if their other half is giving attention to someone else.</p><p>They don’t fit in that label but did one of them confess and get together?</p><p>No.</p><p>Hongjoong finds it too risky. The odds of rejection are dangerously high. Rejection would make things awkward and tense. It would put a strain on the whole team and Hongjoong can’t have that. He can’t jeopardize the careers of his members simply because he‘s love sick. That’s way too unfair for everyone and he just needs to bite his tongue.</p><p>Hongjoong’s come to the terms with a fact he might never fall out of love during his time as Ateez leader. Unrequited love hurts. It stings like a bitch. One minute you’re high with love and beaten by reality the next. Seonghwa is worth it though. All he does for Hongjoong, even though with purely platonic intentions, makes up for all the suffering Hongjoong goes through on daily basis.</p><p> </p><p>One of the moments when Hongjoong is the happiest is when the two go to the roof of KQ building, drinking soju and watch the sun go down over the busy streets of Seoul. Hongjoong likes to think Seonghwa likes it too. Today he seems uneasy.</p><p>„Is everything alright?“</p><p>„Yeah. Why do you ask?“</p><p>„You just look concerned. You know you can tell me anything, right?“</p><p>„I know. I promise there’s nothing bothering me.“ He smiles. „There is something I should tell you though.“</p><p>„Well, I’m listening.“ Hongjoong feels nervous somehow. Please don’t tell him you like someone.</p><p>„I think I’m in love with someone.“ Hongjoong’s heart sinks but he smiles nonetheless.</p><p>„That’s great. Would you tell me who the lucky girl is?“</p><p>„Well, it’s not… I mean, we’ve been friends for a few years now and I guess I always liked them more than a friend but recently I just feel like it’s not just a crush anymore. At first I just thought I’m being crazy and I’ll move on, you know? So I waited for it to pass but I only like them more.“</p><p>Hongjoong grips his bottle so tight, his knuckles turn white. He’s liked someone else this entire time. <em>Hold on Hongjoong, you can cry later. </em>He tells himself.</p><p>„I want to confess but I don’t know how. Can you give me some advice?“</p><p>How could he possibly want to push Seonghwa into some girl’s arms? There’s a lot he would do for Seonghwa but this is too much.</p><p>„I never confessed so I wouldn’t know. Sorry, I can’t help you.“</p><p>„Just tell me how you would like someone to confess to you.“</p><p>Hongjoong sighs. „Nothing too elaborate. No gifts needed, just pick the right moment, look me in the eyes and say how you feel about me.“Hongjoong says, hoping this sentence would close the topic forever.</p><p>Seonghwa takes Hongjoong’s bottle of soju and holds his hands. Hongjoong once again sees that sincere gaze from the night of his crisis.</p><p>„I like you.“</p><p>„Yep. Just like that. Do your hair, wear something cool and she’ll be all yours.“ Hongjoong quickly responds, trying to hide all the turmoil those 3 words caused, knowing very well they’re not meant for him.</p><p>„I like you.“ Seonghwa’s stare is unwavering, as he slowly moves forward. Hongjoong gulps. This can’t be real. He must be dreaming.</p><p>„I like you.“ He whispers and takes the final leap.</p><p>Seonghwa’s lips are warm and a little chapped and fit perfectly in Hongjoong’s. They move cautiously as if one wrong move would shatter everything. Hongjoong swears that if this is a dream, he will throw himself off of Hangang bridge.</p><p>Hongjoong pulls away and Seonghwa follows, obviously unsatisfied with the length of the kiss.</p><p>„I like you too.“ Hongjoong says breathlessly and Seonghwa smiles. This is the brightest one Hongjoong’s ever seen on Seonghwa.</p><p> „I’m sorry but… just one more.“ Seonghwa whispers and leans in again.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading! I'm not a native speaker so if you see any mistakes please scream at me. Let me know what you think in the comments and leave a kudos if you'd like.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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